Flat out Daria
by EntrancedCat
Summary: Jake teaches Daria and Quinn a valuable life skill. The sisters soon use it to help out friends. But is something more going on than Daria realizes?


Flat out Daria by EntrancedCat  
"Sweetie, kiddo," Jake Morgendorffer called from the door to the garage. "Let's get  
started. Today's the big day."  
Daria Morgendorffer looked up from the cereal she was spooning into her mouth. "Oh  
right, Dad. Sick, Sad World is starting a best-of marathon in a few minutes. I'll warm up the set."  
"Oh no, kiddo," her father said unable as usual to catch the sarcasm in his oldest  
daughter's flat, even tone. "Today you and Quinn are gonna learn how to change a flat tire." His  
voice was bright with an enthusiasm neither Daria nor her sister Quinn could match.  
"But Daa—ad," Quinn said just finishing her whole grain bagel and bowl of yogurt and  
peaches. "I don't need to change tires. I can't even drive yet."  
"Daria just started driving and you are getting your license next year, sweetie," Jake  
reminded. "What would you do if you got a flat all alone on the side of some road? It's a skill  
you both need to know."  
"Probably sit there and enjoy the view. I can't think of anywhere I want to get to  
quickly," Daria deadpanned.  
"Daddy," Quinn began. "We've never gotten a flat before like ever, why do I need to  
learn now? Changing tires sounds so totally dusty and greasy and icky. It's like I might break a  
nail or something or tear up my jeans or get oil in my hair. No, no, no. Why can't I just stand  
there on the shoulder and wait for some guy to come by. Any guy would be happy to help me.  
Jeffy and Joey and…and….uh…the other one would fall all over themselves to pick up the car in  
their bare hands and change the tire. And what if the Fashion Club saw me?" Her eyes widened  
and she let the question hang in the air, its unspeakable answer obvious to Quinn if no one else.  
"Quinn has a point," Daria admitted. "I too would stand at the side of the road and lure  
men to me with my womanly charms." To demonstrate she stood, cocked a hip up and put her  
hand on it.  
Quinn rolled her eyes and was about to continue with her pleadings but Jake  
interrupted. "No daughter of mine is going to look like a trollop and have strange men stopping  
to help. You girls are going to be independent."  
Daria suppressed a giggle at her father's use of the word. Quinn pursed her lips and gave  
a tight nod. She would have to look up the word later but whatever it meant "trollop" did not  
sound like a good thing to be.  
Jake's tone softened, "Besides, I want to teach my kids something useful. The old man  
never taught me how to fix a flat. He said he would but he just stood there laughing at me  
when I didn't know how to begin."  
His eyes were assuming the far-away look both sisters had seen too many times. Jake  
was about to raise his fist to heaven and begin the usual diatribe when Quinn swiftly  
interrupted. "Daddy, how about you teach Daria today and she can show me  
next…umm…month, let's say?"  
"Yes," Daria agreed. "I will teach you the least dangerous ways to use the many tools  
which equip a modern automobile."  
"No, no," Jake insisted unable to catch her sardonic wit. "We can make it a team effort  
today. It'll be fun. It doesn't take much time. I just learned last week and I've been practicing  
two or three times a day."  
Daria remembered her mother's worries as Jake jacked her precious Lexus RX350 up  
and down, taking one tire after another off and putting it back on. She also knew that this had  
been one of a few times Jake had been able to convince Helen quickly of one of his plans. Helen  
admitted that her children needed to learn such skills to be independent young women.  
Even so Helen had cleared out of the house early that Saturday morning taking Jake's  
bigger vehicle to the office to distract herself from thoughts of what might happen to her Lexus  
in the hands of husband and daughters.  
Jake cast a critical eye on his daughters' clothing. "Quinn, you're dressed fine for the  
job," he said as he surveyed her usual pink tee-shirt, jeans and sneakers.  
Daria was wearing her usual almost-uniform of black skirt, mustard-yellow pull-over and  
almost-military green jacket. "Kiddo," Jake pronounced. "Go put on an old pair of jeans and a  
tee-shirt. But those boots are just right!"  
Quinn smirked as Daria went to change having once again out-dressed her older sister if  
only for manual labor. A few minutes later Daria was back in the kitchen in a tee displaying  
Albert Einstein sticking out his tongue, appropriate for how Daria felt about the project in  
general. Her jean legs were pulled down over her high, hard Doc Martens.  
Jake led the girls out to the garage where the Lexus sat in the middle of the space, ready  
for the adventure. Quinn pronounced the spare tire "cute" as Jake showed them where the  
tools were snugly stored.  
"And this is the jack," he said motioning for Daria to remove it.  
"Jack!" Quinn exclaimed startling them both. "That's the name of the other one!"  
Daria and Quinn had to admire their father's smoothness as he changed a tire for them  
to see. They could tell the job was important to him and some of his seriousness rubbed off  
even on Daria.  
"Righty-tighty; lefty-loosey," Jake said as he showed them when and how to loosen the  
lug nuts.  
"Lug nuts: I will remember those words by thinking of Quinn's boyfriends," Daria  
quipped.  
After a few minutes Jake stood back to admire his work: the Lexus down on the floor  
again securely on its spare. "Now I'll take it off again and you girls can practice together at  
first."  
"But Daddy," Quinn started. "We don't have to do it again, do we? You already put the  
tire on. Can't I go now?"  
Jake might normally have been swayed by his youngest daughter's wheedling but today  
he would have none of it. He changed the spare with the regular and put everything back in the  
trunk. "Okay, sweetie, kiddo, you two do it together at first. Tomorrow we can practice one at a  
time."  
Jake stood back and had to offer only minor reminders as Quinn and Daria got to work.  
Daria's boots proved perfect for tromping down the parking brake and kicking heavy wooden  
blocks firmly under an opposite corner wheel as Jake had recommended.  
She loosened the lugs and was amazed by how smoothly and quickly the taller Quinn  
could wield the crank to jack up the car. In moments they had the spare on and the nuts  
tightened. Jake inspected the work and declared it "perfect." By the time the girls got the  
regular tire back on and everything stowed away Jake was beaming with pride. "See what you  
two can do when you work together? And not a scratch on Mom's car."  
Daria's reddish-tinged brunette hair was falling down over her glasses when she finished  
and she brushed dust smudges from her jeans. She glanced over and noted that Quinn was as  
immaculate as usual, save for the unavoidable dusty hands, and not a red tress out of place.  
Daria would never admit to Quinn but she had to admire Quinn's style and class even as she  
had done as much dirty work as Daria.  
"You girls get cleaned up and we'll all go to the zoo. I know you are not too old for that  
and there are a couple new exhibits you both want to see," Jake said.  
"Goodie, thanks Daddy," Quinn exclaimed. "Staci said those meerkats were just so  
adorable."  
Daria added, "There is an exhibit of venomous animals from around the world, including  
a rare platypus."  
As the sisters went inside they could hear Jake starting a tirade to Old Man  
Morgendorffer but in a gentler tone than usual. "See Old Man? Jakey can so change a flat and I  
taught my kids to do it too!"  
It happened that a few weeks later Daria was driving Quinn back from the Cranberry  
Commons movie theatre. Quinn was prattling on about the latest romcom she had seen with  
the Fashion Club. "That girl was so silly, I mean, it was just movie, burger, backseat, movie,  
burger, backseat date after date and one date after another and she wondered why the guy  
would not respect her. You have to set expectations on the first date and show the guy from  
the start what he needs to do for you. That's the only way to get anything out of a date  
nowadays. She had some great accessories and that purse! but just no common sense  
whatsoever."  
Daria considered trying herself to prattle about the Jorge Luis Borges short story  
collection she had treated herself to at her favorite independent book store/coffee shop but  
the demands of driving and not hitting dogs took up all her attention.  
About two miles from their home Quinn peered out ahead and said, "Hey Daria, isn't  
that…ummm…your artist friend?"  
The traffic was non-existent that afternoon so Daria permitted herself a close look at the  
empty parking lot Quinn pointed at and, sure enough, there was Jane Lane with her brother  
Trent standing by Trent's blue 1973 Plymouth Satellite. Daria carefully steered the Lexus into  
the old parking lot and stopped with only a mild, barely-noticeable bounce of the suspension.  
Daria could tell by the look on Jane's face that she was in full artist-inspiration mode and  
whatever was going on would result in a macabre drawing or painting within hours.  
Her best friend looked grateful as Daria and Quinn approached the pair. "Why, it's the  
First Morgendorffer Cavalry come to our rescue. The Trentmobile has a broken leg and we need  
your shotgun to put it out of our misery." Jane indicated the left front tire resting flat on the  
pavement.  
"Oh, hey Daria, Quinn" Trent drawled as he looked up from the tattered, missing-pages  
car manual he was studying. "I think I ran over a hot match and the tire blew." He laughed dryly  
which dissolved into a brief couple of coughs.  
"Umm…hi, Trent," Daria stammered sure her hot face was turning red. "Umm...hi."  
Daria expected to hear a jibe from Jane at her clumsy greeting but she noticed Jane and  
Quinn were eyeing each other oddly, Jane taking quick looks up into the younger but taller  
Quinn's eyes then at the ground or the car. Quinn was blushing as hotly as Daria and pretending  
to carefully inspect the flat.  
"Oh Wow," Quinn broke the spell. "We know what to do. We can put on your spare,  
right Daria? Daddy just taught us."  
"Your dad taught you to change tires?" Trent said. "Whoa, that's cool. Our dad never  
taught us anything like that. I should ask him next time he's home from taking pictures of tse-  
tse flies in Zimbabwe or whatever."  
"We can take a look," Daria said skeptically, wondering if the spare in the rusty 1973  
vehicle was in any better shape than the original tire. Quinn enthusiastically led Trent to the  
trunk to get out the tools.  
"That tire is flatter than I am," Daria remarked then gave a small gasp as she realized  
what she had just said. Jane's eyebrows shot up and she gave Daria a smirk and a fake leer at  
her boobs. Daria vowed to herself, "I'll never let Quinn drag me into a Victoria's Secret again.  
I'm like some Pavlovian free-associating dog."  
Quinn apparently had had the same spare-tire doubts as Daria because she announced,  
"Daria, I think the spare tire's okay. Let's get started. Look, Trent has these big blocks of wood. "  
"Yeah," Trent said watching Quinn with admiration. "We use 'em to lift our amps off the  
floor if some bar is really grody or something." Daria selected a couple smooth blocks and  
kicked them authoritatively against a wheel.  
The sisters quickly assumed their division of labor with Quinn in charge of the jack and  
Daria taking the lug wrench. She mock brandished it at Jane, "Lane, if you ever repeat what I  
just said I will give you another ear piercing with this hefty tool."  
"Sure, whatever you say, amiga," Jane's eyes were shining as she suppressed a chortle.  
Daria was happy that everyone became distracted by the process of getting the tires  
exchanged. In just a few minutes the sisters had the spare on, the Plymouth back on the ground  
and the tools stowed away. Quinn promised to teach Jane and Trent the process sometime.  
"Thanks, sister of amiga," Jane said smiling slyly at the again blushing Quinn.  
"Wow," Trent said when the four were just standing around looking at the finished job.  
"You two are the coolest girls in school. Well, with Janey, maybe."  
Trent gave Daria a brotherly embrace while Jane quickly wrapped her arms around a  
startled Quinn.  
Daria and Quinn both said, "Eep."

All characters are copyright MTV, division of Viacom. This story is intended solely for the  
entertainment of Daria fans and not for any monetary gain.  
"Flat out Daria" takes place shortly after "Speedtrapped", the tenth episode in season three. In  
"Speedtrapped," Daria finally gets her driver license. Daria and Quinn learn they can work  
together and gain some respect for each other.  
I took some poetic license in equating the jack and spare tire on Trent's 1973 Plymouth with the  
tools in a modern Lexus RX350. Jacks for American cars back then were more complicated,  
dangerous affairs than what we have today. Philip K. Dick's novel "A Scanner Darkly" has an  
interesting scene illustrating the dangers of changing tires. 


End file.
